Volume XXII, Number 38 (Issue 1094) | September 16, 2024
What do You Want?
Not long ago I came across a comment in something Alexis de Tocqueville wrote that stated, “Self-interest influences our behaviors more than does virtue.” Such an assertion seems extremely cynical. It is made even more so when one believes as I do that our better angels (read: our virtues) stand ready to guide our decision-making if only we will listen to them. Unfortunately, volumes of research show our ability to focus outwardly is inversely proportional to the amount of stress we are experiencing. While that may not apply to all of us, it is sufficiently prevalent to serve as the rule.
Put another way, when there is little to no stress in our environment, it is easy for us to focus on and be concerned about others and their well-being. Add stress to the equation and things go south quickly. The more the stress, the more the inward focus. There is a point on each of our stress continuums where things become all about “me.” Considering our world and the stress that comes our way nearly every day and from what seems like a myriad of directions, it is no wonder we routinely seem (are) self-absorbed.
Much of the time, the stress we feel involves – dare I say? begins with an element of conflict. When that conflict has its roots in a difference in basic values it can be impossible to resolve. For who among us is willing to renounce a long-held value or belief? “What you are telling me is I am wrong AND you are expecting me to admit it? Not happening.” On the other hand, the conflict that arises because of a miscommunication is often resolvable provided we are willing to listen for understanding, talk it out, and see it from a different point of view. Regarding the latter a phrase we encourage people to use in place of “you’re wrong” is “I see it differently.”
Many years ago, I took a multi-day course on conflict resolution. I cannot condense all I learned in that class into a five-minute read, but I can share a couple of highlights. For starters, it is important to get clarity on the issue [source of the conflict and triggering event(s)]. Next the parties involved need to candidly discuss what they are feeling and what they are thinking about those feelings as they relate to the issue at hand. Then comes the hard part, having each party share what they want as an outcome, which cannot include having their opponent lingering in hell following a death of a thousand cuts. Instead, the two individuals at odds must begin this phase by verbalizing what they want for the adjacent parties, i.e., those likely to be impacted if the conflict is not resolved. For example, they need to state
things like: “what I want for the business, our customers, our community, our coworkers/teammates,” etc. It helps if each of the parties who are locked in the fight take turns expressing their wants for others, one connected party at a time. The reason this exchange of wants for related parties is critical to a successful outcome is these constituents tend to provide areas where there is considerable agreement. Vocalizing such similar wants offers the common ground we need to move forward in a positive fashion.
That is important because it gets really tricky from here since the two opposing parties must now express what they genuinely want for themselves together with what they would want if they were in the other person’s shoes. I hope we can all spell e-m-p-a-t-h-y. But can we demonstrate it? When each participant manages to see the conflict from the other person’s point of view, especially when that comes on the heels of recognizing areas of common ground, there is a real chance of resolving the conflict in a mutually satisfying way. The goal is a win-win result, not the win-lose outcome that is far too customary and that leaves the conflict unresolved.
There are a few additional steps in the process beyond these first stages together with a couple of ground rules that must be observed. However, those matter little if the two people who have been at odds cannot make it this far. Thus, we will leave it here for now other than to reprise the opening question, “what do you want?”
Soli Deo Gloria
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.” James 4:1-2
J. Keith Hughey
Mobile: (210)260-0955
E-mail: keith@jkeithhughey.com
Website: www.jkeithhughey.com
Transforming Potential into Unmatched Performance
Copyright 2024 by J. Keith Hughey. All rights reserved. Permission is hereby granted for reproduction and redistribution of this essay as provided under the copyright laws of the United States of America. Recent issues of Musings may be found at www.jkeithhughey.com. Your comments are always welcome.